Mother’s Day When You’re Not "Okay".
It’s not ironic that I am writing this two days after Mother’s Day. It has taken me this long to find the words to encapsulate my own feelings and the heavy emotions I know so many of you are carrying through this season of modern motherhood.
We are sold a painted picture of breakfast in bed and curated social media tributes. But for many, the second Sunday in May doesn't feel like a celebration. It feels like a day in a season you both love and hate all at the same time.
If you approached this day with a heavy heart, this space is for you. You’re safe here. There is room for the "not okay" version of Mother’s Day.
(Trigger warning: The following explores the complexities of mothering through grief, burnout, and infertility.)
When You Don’t Feel Like Yourself
Maybe you’ve reached the point of burnout where you don't recognize the person in the mirror. You expected motherhood to be a series of "ah-ha" moments and deep connections, but instead, it feels like a repetitive cycle of domestic tasks and a mental load no one seems to notice. You might even dread the day because everyone else’s Mother’s Day depends on you (looking at you, mothers and mothers-in-law).
Release the "shoulds." You do not have to perform joy. If you need to spend the day alone or doing the bare minimum just to catch your breath, that is a successful day.
You deserve it. You aren’t selfish. Give yourself permission to be a human being before being a mother.
When Motherhood Looks Different Than You Anticipated
We all enter parenthood with expectations. For many, those expectations didn't include a "no-village" reality, a lack of support, or the crushing weight of being the default parent. When your daily life doesn't match the blueprint you had in mind, a specific kind of mourning takes place.
Acknowledge the grief. It is okay to love your children and simultaneously dislike the current circumstances of your life.
Lower the bar. If a big brunch feels like another task you’ll have to plan yourself, opt for a quiet day or a movie night instead.
Mothering Without a Mother
Doing motherhood without your own mom is a profound challenge; whether she is physically gone or emotionally unavailable. The hole in your heart feels wider this time of year. You may crave the advice she can't give or the "I'm so proud of you" validation you never received.
Allow yourself to grieve what you don’t have: that deep longing for the nurturance you provide to everyone else but don't receive yourself.
Do something that connects you to her memory—or, if the relationship was difficult, give yourself something that represents what you need and the healing you are doing now. Your children don’t need the mother you got (or didn’t get); they need you.
The Grief of the "Not Yet"
For those craving to be a mother but who haven't had the chance—due to infertility, loss, or life circumstances—this day can feel like an exclusionary club. The "I thought I would be a mom by now" thought can be deafening.
Your desire is a testament to your capacity for love. You are allowed to protect your peace.
Mute the noise. Delete social media for 24 hours. Unsubscribe from those Mother’s Day marketing emails.
3 Ways to Protect Your Peace
Set Boundaries Early: "I’m keeping things low-key this year" is a complete sentence. You are allowed to decline the emotional minefield of a family gathering.
Validate the Duality: You can be grateful for your children and still feel resentful of the load. You can be a "good mom" and still be "not okay." Both can exist at the same time.
Self-Mothering Without Guilt: Ask yourself: What do I actually need right now? Silence? A nap? A walk without a stroller? Give yourself the grace you so freely give everyone else. Your children are the very reason you need to do this.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone
Mother’s Day is just one day on the calendar, but the feelings it stirs up last much longer. If it felt heavy, I see you.
If you are looking for more support and a person to add to the "village" you’ve been missing, let’s chat. I am a licensed therapist currently accepting new clients in Massachusetts, and I offer a free consultation. Together, we can navigate the seasons of motherhood in a way that actually suits you and where you feel supported.
Alexandra Nataloni, LMHC MA#10797